I feel like rambling a bit today. Whether anyone makes it through this post or not, there will be some value in just saying the words!
It would seem that I have taken a break, wouldn't it? In all actuality I have a painting on my easel, started, and impossible to finish. Each day I yearn to sit down in front of it and paint, dream, create. And each day I am unable to carve out the time to do it. Time, time, TIME! Grrr...Which I find leaves me frustrated and overwhelmingly sad on some days. So I now begin each day without the expectation of creating anything. So when I can't it doesn't surprise me. Doesn't make me any less sad, but makes me less frustrated!
I am at a cross roads. I know I have said things like this in the past. And I suspect it is part of the angst in every creative soul that leads them to question themselves and their work from time to time. Somehow though, this feels different. Like maybe I will actually be packing up the supplies.
Perhaps it's winter, or perhaps it's the lack of time, or perhaps it's the recent (sort of) rejection from a gallery. Or the combination, but I am wondering if I belong on this journey. When I was younger I was always told that my dreams were pipe dreams (a term I had never heard before, but heard all too often afterwards), that I wasn't good enough, and I should stop dreaming. That LIFE wasn't about dreaming and ideas, but paying bills and did I know how I was going to pay mine, I would be asked. And unfortunately, when so much opportunity and possibility lay before me, when I had youth, endless directions, and TIME, I believed those words. I wasn't good enough, I couldn't succeed, and I wouldn't be able to fulfill those dreams that seemed so integral to who I was. And so I stopped. And now when I see a strong young woman who just LIVES without worry of how to do it, but all the concern with DOING it, I envy her, and I pray that I can teach my girls to follow every silly little pipe dream their hearts desire.....and I will support that journey every step of the way. BEcause it is now I realize LIFE is all about the dreaming, and without it (even with the bills paid) it is only existing.
3 years ago my husband MADE me start painting. He said you are good at this, and even though you have never done it, I believe that. Being told "you can" was such an overwhelming feeling. A feeling I had waited years to feel. So I did. So many of the dreams I wished to follow 12 years ago I couldn't start up now, but painting was somthing I felt I could take back. I could do it now.
Recently I applied to a gallery. Something I NEVER do because the rejection almost always makes me stop painting. I know, I know. Get used to it right? I would if I BELIEVED I was good and just didn't fit that particular place. At first they seemed interested. "We may be able to squeeze you in, etc, etc. " And then no response to my emails. And I realized their initial interest, was most likely, a kind way of saying we can't use your work. And oddly, I didn't blame them.
So sorry, readers, for the glum post. It does seem a tad melodramatic doesn't it! But all this has been on my mind for some time. I think being home with the baby all day, and my creative space so close but unused, and all this @$%!$% snow, has made me a bit blue! Stay tuned....I hope I'll be back....
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3 comments:
Stop there - you ARE good... that gallery just wasn't right for for your art. Successful people of any kind didn't have success on their 1st 2nd or even 3rd tries. And remember that having a baby is a HUGE time drain (in a good way)and a huge re-adjustment to daily routine including your creative time. If all you dream about and yearn for is to paint, then you are on the right path when you pursue it and on the wrong path when you don't. Give yourself some time. I know all about not having enough time and yearning to paint and then avoiding the one thing I want the minute I actually get some free time. Ebb and flow... it's such a delicate balance and hard to get it to shift when you've gone to far the wrong way. Hang in there - Spring is not that far off.
You know that button at the top of your blog, "NEXT BLOG" button. On a lark I went with that button and landed on your blog. I read your message - I could have written those words my self many times. I am 62 years old and still work full time - not at my art. I have bills to pay and responsibilities. I feel your pain. And your joy. The joy of art and having the gift - which you do. It's a gift from the universe and it's your journey - TAKE IT! Never give up. Even if you can't "paint" everyday, you can sketch, you can plan, you can read about art - there's always something artsy to help satisfy yout creative urges. It's all part of the grand plan, enjoy the journey, never get off the merry-go-round, you never know when the brass ring will be there for you.
Darn, I wish this post hadn't sat here for 10 days without a comment :(
First of all, it's normal to feel overwhelmed in your current phase of life. A little baby and two 'tweens'. A ton of snow in gloomy New England. Cabin fever. and I'm with you, I stall when I know I only have a short window. It just holds me back...and I don't even have kids to fall back on ;)
About the gallery. Time will take care of all that because the more you paint the better you get.
Everything doe not have to be finished, or for sale (something we won't allow ourselves it seems).
We're artists, involved in a process that is a lesson every time. Hit or miss.
Mind you, this is all stuff I tell myself and have to keep telling myself.
Like your blog title, you just have to take it day by day.
You rock dearest and don't forget it!!!
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